Laying on my couch I feel overwhelmed yet again, this nuisance of a typical feeling I get when I cannot control a scenario.
Nuances of being in a flat spin, getting out of the position of being between a rock and a hard place leave me flustered.
Liza is not in a headspace that I recognize and unlike before – where everything was the way she had wanted them to be, feeling at ease and familiar, things are just not anything like they were before.
There is deep concern in me and the distance from her, along with the inability to get to her is giving me paranoia about what she is doing and how much I still matter to her.
For all I know, I’ve been shoved into a miscellaneous box that will be opened only when there is a need to do so or when it catches her fancy. The latter being what I aim for. Yet I believe her focus has shifted away from me and I am nearly powerless to stop it.
This makes me depressed and puts me in dire need to find a solution or just wait it out until there is either a response from her, we meet at chance or something precipitates that changes the situation.
Swaying away from putting pressure on her, I feel as though space is what she needs, when time to act would be saved for a day when I feel more confident.
This confidence is built over time, where I formulate plans that incorporate the unknown and where I do what I do best: hone myself to be the man I think she needs.
Per chance at our meeting things were easy – she had made the choices that I found to be miracles that rain from the sky once you have been deemed deserving by yourself and by your mate.
This is no longer the case.
Circumstances are good once foundations are lain, but getting them there and letting the feeling of your partner trusting in them run free is a feat only the strongest of us achieve.
To put things bluntly, I want to recuperate my self esteem and work on creating a spiritual environment that is unthreatening, sincere and somewhat loving.
If I am gauging correctly – love for me is the last thing on her mind.
In her ‘hammer down’ manner she vibes with fruitful circumstances that are not met by me, currently. I have to get her to explain her situation and how she feels about me.
Somehow, somehow…