I can feel you there going through everything with me – our spirits balancing each other out. Somehow, we accept one another in these horrid states and still attempt to love one another and ourselves, but the thought is too much to bear. I cannot look in the mirror without being appalled at what I see. Always disappointed in myself.

We have grown apart, each of us having become static in our lonesome lives – having learnt to cope alone has made us not need one another anymore. Self-sufficient and so aware of what we are missing out on – hounding ourselves that we cannot let us live together. The barriers are so great, and it seems impossible to find one another in this mess. Hopes of a life so great that we do not allow ourselves to live it, are separating us from actually taking the steps toward one another.

We have started by thinking of one another, feeling those thoughts whenever we can. It is so little that connects us but the irony is that together we just understand one another – so there does not need to be this massive tethering of souls right at the start.

I feel distant as if shunned away from you due to your self-disgust – as if I cannot fix that. Our shame is specific, and we are naturally so critical of ourselves that we disregard the love of one another. Words become merely words soon forgotten because we need to be overwhelmed by them and hear them continually until their branded into our brains. Both of us are stubborn in our headways and none of our spirits are yielding toward a life together.

The glint of hope still burns though, and I am plagued by visions of our life together. Soon I strip them away only to think of them again anew at a different time. Ever reigniting the flame and blowing it out because I feel I do not deserve happiness and proper contentment. True love seems too far fetched and to me is the stuff of movies where couples infatuated with each other find true love on a diam.

The happiness I envision is just too great and I do not feel ready to live it – so I toil on, ever becoming readier and readier. I have been doing this for a long time now, but I feel just a tad closer to you. You were always a figment of my imagination so far away that I played with it as if not real, so I suffer under this illusion. My physical reality is distraught, and I cannot fathom how I am to support you if our situations do not somehow benefit one another – my biggest flaw.

Simply getting to a relationship status would ask too much of you so I toil on. In the hopes of making a career out of what I love I am the cliché that is the poor artist that has nothing to offer besides his dearest love and affection – so easily neglected as weakness.

My heart is empty besides a small flame for you that is always alight. I cover it often to not remember – so that I may be alone in toil, so that I can focus on what is wrong with me. I am starting to think that what’s wrong with me is that I do not have you in my life already – I suffer day in and day out of missing that person that shares my way of thinking. Seeing the easy way and being optimistic ever so often in the face of danger. Sly and smug we brush off the dirt that we put on ourselves to mask our beautiful souls – a daily activity of reapplying it in secret. Soon we look the same again and we cannot look in the mirror. These souls just will not get clean enough – and as we polish our disconnection grows as we once again become too good for one another.

My biggest wish will not be fulfilled if I do not calm down and work on my inside enough to be capable of being in your presence without wanting to celebrate with wine and flowers. Pure ecstasy is what I envision my every day life being with you so please tone your light down so I can relate better.

We have both become new beings through the wisdom we have gained in this life so its natural to fall for one’s true love anew when there is so much new to live through. It feels as though it is a long way down the line until we will meet but I am looking forward to it. Maybe I will be capable of supporting you in my heart then too.

I promise I will not try to stifle your flame in my heart anymore, and Ill start looking at myself in the mirror more, try to smile. When you call, I will show more compassion and I will reconnect my bionic heart to the rest of my body, so I do not get so cold anymore. I could promise you a long list of other things I will work on in your absence, but you would get bored and I would get overwhelmed. So, for now I will work on what I can muster whenever I can, for its like evolving into something I do not know. Pokemon at least already know what they will become, but I cannot imagine myself as being anything besides myself.

Ever the evolutionist this self-view changes so often that one day I have great views of the future and others I am stuck in dark rectangular boxes with the lids closed. I draw on the walls, but I just feel like I am in a zoo with a wall that has a landscape painted on it.

Thinking of you depresses me so I look away – I can’t imagine you into my life so I’ll be the like painter that starts drawing the women facing him and smiling instead of them being turned away by becoming ready for you. Thinking of ways to improve who I would have to be to deserve your presence in my life, is what I am busy with in my spare time.

Filling my head with dreams takes up most of the space in my head and that is where I live, but I want to move to my heart because that is where you are. Make a fire that warms in this cold winter our of that small flame.

I hope your doing well and listening to that song where they repeat: “thinking of you”