My heart can’t take any more, the constant knowledge of not being good enough yet is driving me nuts. “you can’t take care of me,” is all my heart feels. It’s hanging on, pounding hard in my chest and my throat is tight – tight from nervousness.

No matter how much I attempt to calm down the feeling keeps resonating in me. Its like being under water, and having been there all my life. The surface is in sight but as I reach it, every time I try to gasp for air I get pushed under. Suffocation.

All I can do is live on…My self esteem is slightly bolstered now and dreams are big, but time is no longer on my side. It’s as though I have been building and building all my life – I’m so close.

Just a few more months somehow…I don’t know how long I can still stay in life’s waiting room. Something just has to give. I know it will. Sooner or later I will prevail.

If there is anything I believe in it’s the force of will – continually refining itself and renewing strategy to achieve nirvana. I need to get there – it’s like there would be no other purpose to my life if I cannot reach a life with you.

Doubt fills my mind along with uncertainty.

As I sink again to the bottom of my abyss I am saved by familiar feels – this pit I live in. Despair and inadequacy, just not being enough. As I adhere to this black hole I feel normal again – so far away from hope and blissful peace.

I wish you were crying right now – for the both of us. Once again we both fail at getting together.

Guess I have to develop some more – this heart must still be immature, but its OK, I know the way down here. Its chilly and dark but its like a second home by now.

Feeling ostracized and cold I creep into my shell spitefully and close up.

That deep pounding has gone for the most part but my gut still feels the drive. Someday it will be time.

I hope the whispering subsides into laughter when our meeting draws closer. I long for connection and keep getting cut off or held on a leash while the fleeting grows stronger and soon there will be lines on your face.

“We simply cannot wait forever,” my head thinks in panic. I wont break or anything but it’s going to get silly one of these days, mark my words.

Then the silliness will crash into just blatant depression. Once I’m through that I’ll be more ready – I promise.