It was about a year of soul searching that went by, and through a myriad of opening and closing doors, through confusion, fantastical tales that my mind spun and with a lot of patience I had finally wound my mind into somewhat feasible connections to the woman I thought was the one of my dreams.

The journeys I took had me frowning at myself and questioning whether philosophy was a key to an ending.

I perpetually hoped that I would reach a point of balance where I could deal with the world at the same time that it was dealing with me.

Forever finding myself plugging holes in this sinking ship – the answer lay in conditioning and practice.

No sailor arrived at land without sustaining the dream of success. Nor does anyone really do anything without some kind of end result in mind, body or spirit.

It is because of these facts that I opened a doorway in my mind that for once did not have anything to do with the physical doorways in this realm – instead I achieved the self realized quest of getting my own mind separate from this world I called my solemn, yet unalone space, where I travel at a whim and get to find what intricate adventures this tapestry has created.

I came to a conclusion that heralded that the dark tower held far more secrets that I was initially aware of and my respect for it has steadily grown. This might be due to the fact that I see no real end to my journey here, but more an acceptance and hormony with it.

The girl I am so infatuated with – the one that will replace my misanthropy, distress, delusion and depression with her splendorous personality touched my mind one morning in a dark way.

It felt ominous and surreal yet words as if spoken echoed in my mind as she apologized that the only way to reach me was through darkness; I had a knack for turning everything I touched into light so I could deal with it.

She explained that I had a darkness phobia and that through my will to make everything good I was undermining myself into a so heavily lightfilled world that it was depressing me from the inside out.

She went on to conclude that I was too frustrated to be in contact with.

This sent me into an insecure spiral of self hatred and ignorance.

It took me some time to really believe that she had spoken to me, and that all she really said was that I was impossible to live with.

I gathered some strength from some escapism trips and tried to make contact with her again.

I did not know what to expect but I was humbled and I knew things had changed for her.

The rigorous change of mind state does not only change one side of the true soul, yet also the other.

I was paranoid that what she said had me convinced that my journey into the light had her on the opposite path.

As the one side grows lighter, so does the other grow darker.

I hate logic sometimes, but I was willing to make amends.

She replied irritatedly at the fact that she had to explain things to me that seemed so arbitrary and self evident and I immediately knew we had spent too much time apart.

Growing so distant that the journey back was a whole tale on its own.

How were we going to do it? Was she even up for it?

I asked her what I had to do and she stated things clearly:

I am a witch here in this life you are contacting, somehow we can connect, yet I live in darkness now with another woman. There is no way we can be together – I think I have finally cut you off completely.

Your belligerent intent to contact me has made me out grow you and I have moved on.

You think that darkness stands no chance against the light, yet I have proven you wrong. Bye.