Feeling like I have once again spent all the positivity I have a slump comes along and patterns of my behaviour arise in my mind. It comes around ever so often that my dreams exhaust me and my thoughts wander to a more depressing vantage point.
I use this to delve into what I think other might be going through, giving me a comforting feeling that I am not the only one that can have these kinds of problems.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I need to spend every ounce of my energy on keeping me optimistic about my situation and my future. Yet, this time I am going to wallow and really feel it.
I used to give myself the opportunity to really feel depressed with a bottle of wine and some lonesomeness, yet I don’t want to aggravate the situation – I merely want live it through so I can get rid of it.
Maybe I’ll reach the end of the tunnel this time.
Its tiresome to stay awake when sleeping pills are just around the corner and the dog wont stop yelping, driving me to a frustration that renews every day.
You might ask how turning every negative into a positive is sustainable, but then again you might have stumbled across the recycling properties our spirit has yourself.
To me the answer lies within how efficiently one can transmute, all while also enjoying the ups and down. One might say I am lost in a cycle of renewal that is the ever-vigilant warrior when it comes to beating my doubts and trips into the darker waters of my consciousness.
I get bored of the typical topics and am used to paths I wander in my mind. I frequent the village of unrealistic dreams and ever so often put my hope into thoughts that give me a fleeting joy.
How nice it would be if things worked out the way I hoped, but I am wiser than that now – one can merely send out the impulse and work at it. There is so much intangible that I am working with that it overwhelms me at times. I’m on a canoe in the middle of the ocean – paddling for my life.
I like being this lost at times, for I have gotten used to storms, sunny weather and tropical islands. Sometimes the sun gets too bright or I become seasick, yet time heals all wounds if you let it. Luckily I have time on my side – so its nothing I worry about. Even thinking about being pressed for time makes me assume the position of the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland – so that’s nothing for me.
There is a line between being happy and sad, and with the topic of this piece being depression the light falls upon it, yet I always feel most of both. Mixing my happiness with sadness and my sadness with happiness life is a muddled mess.
Perspective is another gear, for I have decided that I am sad and that is what I am writing about, but I never ask myself whether I am happy – it just comes naturally. Like a bubble it would pop if I thought I were happy and I would return to thinking I am sad for this and that reason.
Happiness does not need a reason, but the list of reasons to be sad will only end in joyfulness.
So I might just give up on trying to access my state all together. Seems like a reasonable conclusion.