Letting the little bit of light that is in this place into my eyes I get up and think of the next experience I want. Having been still for so long the winding of the staircase has me deep in thought. There are so many doors that hold promise but I cant seem to align with taking up any experience that might change my mindful state.

Attempting to figure out this odd space I’m in is like going outside of my head. Its like grasping for beyond but finding that I am incapable. My mind wanders to the nature of dreams and how they teach me things that I can be detached of while still enjoying things within a lighter sense of being.

Is this my life – a constant change in dream reality that gives me endless possibility and why do I want to escape it? There is this pull toward something new always – a never ending thread that guides my way through this maze – one that has me chasing after evolution and progress. I wish to get to the point where it leaves me with my beloved but at the same time I procrastinate what I truly need to work on.

There is no definite plan to go about and I am left to figure this out on my own. If the mountains have taught me anything its that I need to let go of this intense drive for betterment and realize that I am already there. Just let it happen to me.

How do I let go? What do I let go of? These are the questions that bug me. This twirl of living material is the depiction of my mind and its so fitting – I don’t see an end to my toil, yet there is a joy in what I do.

I cannot seem to separate myself from this place, but simultaneously feel glad that I have it.

What could possibly lie across from a space in which you can choose whatever you wish and still come out feeling like you have made progress. Its endless but for some reason I feel as though I’m getting somewhere. Small steps that get me closer, yet I feel as though I wont be satisfied once I get to my twin flame.

So much scrutiny and compromise. How will we journey together? Is this place my home or do I just visit to get elsewhere?

I stop at various doors along my stroll and find that they are locked. Some have symbols on them and other are broken at the sides. I don’t feel like doing something right now so its no wonder I can’t commit.

Having to summon the energy to brave the elements anew every time I step through a door is taxing and for now I feel at home in my quiet depression. Thinking for a bit about this place is giving me ideas: What if I could find another traveller that has a similar outlook and safe haven?

This is not an abode but a transitional space that I use to get to places that inspire me. There are no trees that yield fruit so sate my hunger, nor is there a calm space I can retreat to where no one bothers me for a bit – all there is is the bloody spiral that hosts so many possibilities.

Once I get to the end of the thread I’ll choose a door and stay there – getting rid of this place.

I fear it would be a shame though – life is better on foot than stuck somewhere. This is how I like it anyway – traversing the minds treasures and finding out what there is in this place I cant wrap my thoughts around.

Miraculous to be able to spend so much time on ones own and only be tortured by what I’m “supposed” to be doing. I’ll spend some time on finding her but for now I think its more of a letting her in instead of a physically finding her problem.

I’ve found her before, yet her beauty extends only until I try to touch her. Maybe I need to change my perspective to a less physical one, but the attraction extends beyond just the social.

I must be disconnected from some part of myself to feel as though I need no physical touch. How can I be around her without a warm embrace or a kiss that would be so sweet I’d melt.

Enough thinking about her. I know she loves sharing stories and the ones I’m collecting will impress.

Somehow whenever I get too close to a problem I skip away and feel as though its too much to bear. My heart sinks at knowing what divides us and as always the problem is me. She can’t be the issue – for her world is paradise to me and that is probably the exact issue I have.

How does one reach paradise and actually feel good enough to be able to stay there? Forever attempting to achieve the unachievable.

I cannot fathom what life must be like once the fairy tale is over. In the stories I’ve heard its always left to the imagination, but ends there. There is no description of peace, harmony and unity because no one knows or has been there. There is just adhering to what you know and can work on.

This walk is getting long and I’m getting tired of my thoughts. Its like digging a hole, yet the mind never stops. The blood keeps running and flowing and the pulse does not soften. I’d like some of that calming tea the shaman gave me again.

Getting back to my time I spent in the mountains I noticed that I was a knot in the world – unwinding ever so slightly and then tightening when I think of her. So its better I stay away.

In this crux I will stay – thinking of life without her influence as so blissful, but always wondering what it would be like with her at my side. Yet the story would end with me telling her I’m no good for her.

How do I get into a state that affords me her and internal peace at the same time?

My mind likes the unexplained and revels in things that distract and that I know of. As long as I am entertained I get by without stress from the outside. The only stress I have is the amount I produce myself.

Therapy would do some good. I miss other souls.

The door I go to unlocks as I touch it and to my bliss I can step inside and receive what I need so dearly – innocent conversation with some strangers.